Fragments.

If you asked me why I made a website, I'd probably say: "To connect with people" just to name one, because I was enamored with the thought of meeting people that I'd otherwise never meet in real life, and the fact I maybe value relationships a bit more than the average person, regardless of whether I meet someone in-person or online. While I enjoy making friends, I can never help but feel like I'm not being truly myself. It's not like my friends only know a base-level version of me, but the fact that I talk to many different people and front myself with a different nuance or persona feels damaging to my character, and my ideal to live life authetically.

It's likely just my overthinking, I know that no one person is able to be exactly the same towards everyone they meet, and It's not like i'm not authetic towards people I care about; I'm not faking or lying to others when I talk, but I think how I'm perceived by others (or how I perceive being perceived) is definitely a big factor in this Identity Crisis I'm having. I'm disappointed in myself that I'm not as shameless in life as I wish to be, and that I have to share fragments of myself to others rather than be one whole piece of myself, to close friends or acquantainces, or online or in real life.

My mind calls back to my understanding of Carl Jung's concept of what a Persona is (which is admittedly base level, based on reading his works in high school) and how he talks about how Identifying too much with your outer self (your Persona) can ultimately harm your inner-self by losing touch with what characterizes the true part of you. I somehow feel like the opposite of that though, that my social mask is my true self, the self who likes video games, anime, learning, and has an insatiable curiosity for everything, and I lack a mask suited for myself when I just want to be social on a casual level.

But despite the fact I'm so open about what I enjoy, I can never shake the feeling that I'm being fake, even though I am genuine to others, I feel that no one person knows all of me. All my aspects sorta clash with eachother, some people know me as "general kind person :)" or "funny nerd who watches anime and plays fighting games" or "weird, kinda perverse girl" etc etc. Can I be all those things at once with someone? I feel I could be, but maybe I've yet to meet that individual, or is it even feasible to try an balance all of that character into one person. Balance is a value I always try to stick to in life, but a scale only has 2 pans, balance only really takes into account too things at a given time, theres no scale built with like, 7 pans attached.

Even when I'm online, where I get to share myself behind the barrier of a computer screen, I still feel weird. Being social online is alot of things, like a one-way mirror, or a message in a bottle, where you initially talk in a void or pre-built space, and kind of just hope someone gives you a response. Alot of people crave online social interaction, I do so because I'd like to meet people I would never meet otherwise (as stated earlier), but I know some that want It as a substitute for their lack of social life/affirmation in person. In that sense, alot of people have an Internet Mask, a sole mask that is malleable, to appeal to any person online, or any online space, you can essentially build your own Persona online if you choose to, one that does not reflect your real life persona one bit. I don't think having an "Internet Mask" is bad though, some people are able to reflect theirselves better online than in person, and interaction is a good thing assuming you have no malice. I guess i try to impose my real self into my online persona (if I even really have one) too hard, just another bunch of fragments I toss around all over my pages, said fragments I try to implement into my site and writings I feel can come off as, idiotic, or even pretentious sometimes.

No matter what, people will always care about being perceived, It's just one part of the collective consciousness of life that you can try to deny, but will always be resting in the back of your head, even online, where It's echoed that you can be whatever you want, secretly, alot of people still care about their image. Or maybe I'm wrong and you truly don't, In which you are beyond human, and I can't jurisdict your feelings

I'm being myself the best I can. As authentic as I can be, and as honest as I can be.

I like being a swiss army knife kind of person, where my thoughts, interests, and personality mold into the multiple tools of a Swiss Army Knife. Tools to get to know people better, because I think everyone is an interesting person whether we're like minded or not. I wanna find and know all the weirdoes like (or unlike) me both online and in-person, but maybe thats a tall order for me. I don't usually share my superstitions, but I truly believe that relationships, bonds, and love are above all.

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