Site Upgraded | More Art Stuff
My site has once again been redesigned, if you are somehow a longtime madeinv.love visitor, you should know that change tends to come fairly often. This Usually comes from a mix of wanting something fresh, being discontent with the designs/contents of the previous version, and also trying to chase the style of japanese game/anime/doujin circle websites circa mid 2000s - early 2010s. I tend to feel a bit ashamed that I can never stick to one iteration for more than a year, but I remember that this site is still pretty young, It only celebrated It's 2nd birthday sometime in July which is nuts. From a gross hodgepodge of skimmed through html, javascript, and Neocities tutorials, to something thats alot more cleaner, elegant, and unique (but still kind of a mess under the hood.) My site is young and still trying to figure itself out, just like me.
Other than just changing the design though, I finally got this site to be self-hosted, hence the "upgraded" in the title. My previous webhost wasn't bad or anything, but I just wanted to learn more self-hosting, Linux, and PHP, and It's nice to be more in control of my site. Using PHP for server-side functions is real cool, I brought back the random game flyer on pageload script without actually using Javascript, hell yeah. It's also what powers my new guestbook, It's pretty much just an barebones imageboard now, It was kind of hellish getting it to work (mainly out of stupidity) but I had fun with It nonetheless. I also deleted alot of old pages/posts, I can do better.
Oh, and I started drawing again, and finally got to complete something which makes me really, really happy. I was kind of debating myself against It, but Venus is front and center on my homepage now (and is also the featured image on this post.) You could nitpick alot about the quality of the drawing (i do that enough myself) but I'm quite content with how she turned out. She looks kind of deviantart-ish, but in a good way.
The drawing and It being on the forefront of my site was inspired alot by the aforementioned japanese websites I admire, which tended to have a big banner of some really pretty and/or cool art of some characters displayed upon entering. Some of those sites also did seasonal site banners which I thought was super cute, and I always wanted to do something like that for this site, so that was partly my motivation to draw and complete something again.
I drew her in some cute fall clothing, and made her hold a (pretty scuffed) looking autumn leaf. Attempted to make it look a bit like a visual novel CG; with her simple posing and distorted background, alongside trying to evoke some kind of nostalgic feeling. I don't really know if I achieved any of that, but at the very least I think made it look as if she was waiting for someone, which ties in with the nostalgia feeling.
Maybe It's a bit funny, but I really wanted to add a calendar to the final image, inspired by how older websites would give out computer wallpapers with a calendar of the month as a freebie. Just another thing I thought would be cute was all. Heres the full version I made before editing it to be my sites banner. Though I wouldn't use it myself, I had alot of fun making It.
It's kind of funny, I always had a hard time getting things to "click" with me when it came to learning art; I'd spend weeks trying to hyperfocus on art tutorials and resources and end up never finishing something, yet this one drawing of Venus only took like, a handful of hours. The 2 really fucked up things about learning art (or anything, really) is 1. Figuring out how you learn things, and 2. That you really just to Do It.
To spill my guts, I, after pretty much knowing I had It undiagnosed for my entire life, finally got formally diagnosed with having ADHD, and promptly got medicated the following day. That first week on medication was absolutely blissful as kind of overplayed as the feeling is, medication really did make me feel Normal for a while, rather than how I felt for my entire life previously, which was pretty much just me running on fumes every day, all the time. Everything I was unable to do for basically my entire life, I got done in 4 days, including drawing, It was like i became a machine overnight. A period of effortless motivation
Unfortunately though, that initial feeling of bliss, was just a phase, the "Medication Euphoria" as It's called by most people on these ADHD meds. I felt like a "machine" because my brain finally had a taste of a normal amount of dopamine and serotonin, which I severely lacked in my life before, In Layman's terms, I was practically just High. After that euphoria wore off once my body grew tolerance to the medicine, my life became, kind of hellish, for various factors relating, but the main thing that really ate at me though, was that I just, couldn't draw anymore, no matter how much actually wanted to, It was like body couldn't physically pick up the drawing pen, despite me wanting to draw. Having the will to do something but not the willpower to do it is a curse I wouldn't want to wish upon anyone, genuinely one of the worst feelings to have, and I would know because I've pretty much had that feeling for most of my life due to having ADHD, yet somehow It was exacerbated by a complacency to medication and increased dosages. I had to stop taking them, but when I got back to my pre-medication baseline, I immediately just started to think "Why can't I feel like that again?
After about a month off meds and alot of introspection, I made the decision to go back on them, the feeling of being back on them was pretty freeing, but I didnt feel that euphoria (which is a good thing.) The day after returning to meds, I just immediately went back to drawing, and finished the artwork of Venus thats here and on the homepage. My reaction was "huh, wow, it was that easy huh."
I finished one thing in a few hours with ADHD but couldn't finish a million things despite grinding art for a week while being pretty much high, which relates back to the "2 really fucked up things about learning art", I had to figure out how I learned, and to give myself a reason to just draw, both in spite of my ADHD. Turns out I don't really gain much from traditional art guides whether in written or video form, nor do I seek out specific guides for art stuff unless I've hit a current roadblock. The way I learn is by just, pulling existing anime art as reference, and just kind of eyeballing everything until I think It looks good enough, kind of like how alot of Manga artists learned by just tracing Manga they liked growing up, I didn't trace in my own case though. In regards to "Just drawing", my motivation this time just came from wanting to make my site look a bit prettier, by changing the design, and having art of a cute girl on the front page. In general though, I would just like to become a better artist. The best motivation though is just having fun
I don't know If I've quite come to terms with the fact that I cant really "cure" my ADHD (and the plethora of other disorders that come with it), I can treat it, and It can get better overtime, but It'll never really be gone. Forced to live an inhibited life because I lost the genetic lottery and had a rough upbringing, and I always think about what my life could've been If I didn't have ADHD, or had it treated in my childhood rather than as an "adult", what I could've achieved, what oppurtunities could there have been, or where I'd be now, would I finally be on the same level as my peers? all of these thoughts of this hypothetical "other timeline" I envision.
But at very least, I finally feel as if I' progressing in life because of being able to make art, that It's not impossible for me to learn, or to discipline myself, 2 things that ADHD brains tend to kill on sight. Maybe I can finally break the cycle.
Despite all of that, It actually didn't really take alot out of me to write that whole spiel about ADHD, If anything, It's a bit funny how I lead into it after talking about websites and art, I don't really read it as anything particularly miserable or depressing and I don't want you, the reader to take it as such either. Whether you have similiar experiences and struggles or not, I just want you to see it as the classic "If I can do it, so can you" message, I think alot of people in convey that messsage with "tough love", but that stuff never really worked on me (probably made me worse off), so I wanna convey it with true love.
I wanna try and be more sincere and honest with myself, I'm going through my "Sincerity Arc" as one friend calls it, I don't think I'm a cynical or miserable person by any stretch, but I think being on the internet for a long period of time can lead to people becoming kind of numb to things, and being numb sucks alot. I enjoyed writing this alot, so I think this is a good start., As I grow as a person, so does this website, and that makes me happy. In just 2 years I've seen alot of personal websites come and go, sad the see them deleted, even worse to see them abandoned, so It's nice that this place still stands, and hopefully It'll stand for many more years to come, to spread Love, and hopefully have a cool enough website that makes other people go
"damn, i should make a website."
Guess I can end this off as a sort of belated months late madeinv.love birthday post, crazy how time flies. Not that I particularly care for viewership or anything, but I appreciate everyone who has left me a kind message via old guestbook or email, and grateful to have met cool people via other personal sites.
Thanks alot.